After a week of dealing with a ruptured disc, and other unknown complications, and after a long tortuous night of sleeping on the floor on either side of her saying our goodbyes, Tootsie passed away this past Thursday.

The grief is heavy, the memories are both comforting and haunting. Her absence is deafening. There aren’t words to adequately describe her life.  Two quotes will have to suffice. The first is a poem written for her by a poet in Claremont, the second by John Piper from his book “Desiring G-d”

“Little legs
Carry her around
In a constant squat
She follows at your heel
And waits for your affection.

If only regular tootsie
Rolls had feet so they
Could come to us and
Jump into our mouths”
- the unheard poet 04 July 2010

“And as i knelt beside the brook to drink eternal life, I took a glance across the golden grass, and saw my dog, old  Blackie, fast as she could come. She leaped the stream – almost – and what a happy gleam was in her eye. I knelt to drink, and knew that i was on the brink of endless joy. And everywhere i turned i saw a wonder there.”

“While the surgeon general is raising alarms over the epidemic of obesity, the president is signing farm bills designed to keep the river of cheap corn flowing, guaranteeing that the cheapest calories in the supermarket will continue to be the unhealthiest.”

nice.

sometimes, though, a day arrives without notice. a day that surprises. a day that stands out.

we woke up today and just laid in bed. that’s not too uncommon, thankfully. but today was different: it was cool. there was that scent in the air, that crisp, beautiful scent. it was a welcomed surprise. it seemed to say that something was happening. it held captive a secret that seems to have been forgotten for a while. no air conditioning, no fans, no sweat. just sweet sweet coolness. we drove. drove to sierra madre. drove around, parked. had coffee and cupcakes. watched people. looked at houses. dreamed of houses, drooled over houses. called about houses, decided against houses. houses that don’t want tootsie. houses that cost too much. houses that seem to be too good to be true. houses that seem like they could be a part of us, built for us, built with us in mind. houses that could one day tell tales of children, of laughter, of love and peace.

we came home and sat. sat and laughed and read. j cooked. she loves to cook. she’s so happy when she’s cooking. it smells great. a beer and the cool air and the scent of steak and potatoes… so american. so delicious. read. pet tootsie. smelled steak and potatoes.

these days that creep up unannounced. they surprise us. not because they’re all that unique, but because they weren’t planned. they weren’t expected. they weren’t designed. they just arrive, sit and stay a while. they wrap themselves around us. they live in the midst of us. like family. like old friends. they come in and visit. they laugh with us. they talk about what’s been happening since the last time we saw them. they remind us that we need to spend more time with them. they remind us that they are why we continue the daily workeatsleepshower routine.

i love these days. breathe these days. i want to linger long into the night with these days. reminisce with and about these days. they seem to hold a promise of future days. pregnant with promise. i love that phrase. bursting with untold promise. i like that phrase too: untold promise. i hope these days magically multiply and reproduce more of themselves. and yet, i feel like if that happened, the very essence of these days would somehow be diminished. as if by having more of them, they would somehow transform into something else… something more expected and much less intoxicating.

my wife is beautiful. abundantly so. physically and emotionallyspirituallyromanticallyandddddddddddddddddddddddd… i recognize how pregnant with promise our lives are. i am excited to see that promise birthed. exhale…

1. she is, bar none, the most selfless person i know
2. she is a wonderful cook
3. she has the best taste in music, including luther vandross, may he rest in peace
4. she is kind
5. she laughs easily and contagiously
6. her smile
7. her hands, especially her thumbs
8. she is patient and stunningly beautiful
9. she never says anything she doesn’t mean; never reacts, but always speaks, acts, and interacts with total forethought and intention
10. she is enviably creative
11. she has a heart both sensitive and receptive to the L-rd
12. she supports me and encourages me endlessly
13. she loved me while i was unlovable
14. she always puts her arm in my lap for me to scratch
15. she is wise
16. she is wonderfully unique
17. she has the tiniest feet
18. she is a wonderful sister
19. she is a jew
20. she is fiercely loyal
21. her hair always smells delicious
22. she will paint, repaint, and paint one more time, her nails
23. she follows more blogs than anyone else i know and talks about the writers as if they are old friends
24. she said yes

while the list could go on for countless pages, i will keep it to 24.

to my wife, my completion, today and always: i love you. you have filled my heart with joy, my home with love, and my life with a fullness that could only come from our G-d. may you be blessed, overblessed, this year and always. you are a constant example of godliness, beauty, grace, and blessing-from-above. i do not deserve you, but am selfishly grateful that you love me. you are my heart.

today i renew my vows to love, honor, and cherish you. i renew my vow to stand by you faithfully. i renew my vows to sacrifice for you, defend you, protect and provide for you. i renew my vow to lead you in our G-d, to pray for you and with you, and to strive to be a model of Christ’s love. i renew my vow to be the husband that you deserve, despite my shortcomings. you have my heart and it is an honor to be able to call you my wife. may our life together be long and filled with blessings, children, tootsie, food, friends, and family.

your main squeeze and biggest fan,

p. (lam. 3.25, is. 51.10)

much has happened since my last post. much has been covered by my lovely wife but i may be guilty of re-blogging.

i had my birthday. it was wonderful. my first birthday as a married man. it feels even better than before. j got me such nice things. planet earth dvd’s, a top ramen cooking mug (if you don’t know what it is, i can’t even begin to explain it), and one of the most beautiful pictures ever. the photo was taken by one of the most gifted photographers i’ve experienced. then she painted a canvas and mounted it. it’s one of the first things i see in the morning and i adore it. we spent time with friends (who also gifted me abundantly, including a piece of art by my brother steven nelson and wonderful books from him and his lovely fiance as well as brandon and steph), spent time with family, and generally partied. well at least hung out.

we also finally visited the messianic synagogue that we’ve been wanting to see: shomrey tzedek. it was wonderful. it is a congregation of jews who feel called to worship G-d while maintaining their jewishness and who believe in Yeshua as Messiah. the service is a traditional sabbath service followed by a study of the prescribed portion of Torah. it’s a small congregation and very welcoming and loving. we truly felt at home. the service was done largely in Hebrew with some english included (possibly for our benefit). the teaching was truth and very convicting. the jews were lovely, as they always are. we have decided to continue attending for one month at least before making any decisions about calling it home. the only downside is the drive. oh well. experiencing G-d’s Chosen People worshiping as they have for thousands of years while hearing the name of Yeshua proclaimed as Messiah was truly powerful. oh how i long to be a jew possibly one day. hopefully sooner than later.

in more recent news, j and i woke up this morning to what can only be described as a plague of ants in our home. they were everywhere. after cleaning them up for about an hour, we discovered that they had returned in exactly the same places, and in almost the same numbers. fantastic. but!! thanks to some advice from a family friend and a quick trip to the local vietnamese market, we procured some “miraculous chalk.” it’s nothing, really… just some neurotoxin that makes an ant’s day slightly unpleasant. after chalking up our house voodoo style, and letting the rest of the day pass, i can confidently say that there is not a single ant in the house… or possibly in the entire city. thankfully we read the instructions and discovered that we should not let the chalk get into the hands of, “the child or the old man” considering the old man just happened to be sitting in our home asking us for said chalk. that translator should definitely get a pay raise.

for now, that is it. oh and i had two june bugs in my car while driving home tonight. and i couldn’t get them out. so they’re still in there. so i hope they die soon. and that they are saved.

i will close with a quote from a man who is quickly becoming a favorite: abraham joshua heschel
“Only words that would not be trite in the presence of a dying man,
only ideas that would not pale in the face of the rising sun
or in the midst of a violent earthquake:
“G-d is One”
or:
“Holy, Holy, Holy is the L-rd G-d of Hosts…”
may be used as metaphors
in speaking of G-d.”

“And isn’t all that only words? Words grow old, too; they change their meaning and their usage. They get sick just as we do; they die of their wounds and then they are relegated to the dust of dictionaries.”

“We do better not to believe in luck: our Lord forbids it.”

“A Jewish writer said that, ‘the silence of G-d is G-d.’ I say that G-d is not silent, although He is the G-d of silence. He does call out. It is by His silence that He calls to you. Are you answering Him?”

“Never forget who we are. We Jews believe in justice. Ever since Biblical times, we’ve put our trust in judges.”

“For a long time, I’ve distrusted this world we live in. I told myself it doesn’t deserve our children. And the proof is Auschwitz.”

” ‘Close your eyes and face Jerusalem,’ the Rebbe replied.”

“Woe to a generation that knew how to discover absolute Evil but not absolute Truth.”
- the above quotes come from “The Time of the Uprooted” by Elie Wiesel

“Then she wiped her nose and neatly swung her legs out of bed and went quickly to the bathroom. She is a helplessly brisk woman.”

“I, however, seem given to self-estrangement.”
- the last two are from “Netherland” by Joseph O’Neill

shalom.

“First, anti-Zionism targets the most vulnerable part of the Jewish people, namely, the Jewish population of Israel, whose physical safety and personal dignity depend crucially on maintaining Israel’s sovereignty. Put bluntly, the anti-Zionist plan to do away with Israel condemns 5.5 million human beings, mostly refugees or children of refugees, to eternal defenselessness in a region where genocidal designs are not uncommon.

Secondly, modern society has developed anti-bodies against anti-Semitism but not against anti-Zionism. Today, anti-Semitic stereotypes evoke revulsion in most people of conscience, while anti-Zionist rhetoric has become a mark of academic sophistication and social acceptance in certain extreme yet vocal circles of U.S. academia and media elite. Anti-Zionism disguises itself in the cloak of political debate, exempt from sensitivities and rules of civility that govern inter-religious discourse, to attack the most cherished symbol of Jewish identity.

Finally, anti-Zionist rhetoric is a stab in the back to the Israeli peace camp, which overwhelmingly stands for a two-state solution. It also gives credence to enemies of coexistence who claim that the eventual elimination of Israel is the hidden agenda of every Palestinian.

It is anti-Zionism, then, not anti-Semitism that poses a more dangerous threat to lives, historical justice and the prospects of peace in the Middle East.”

shalom.

on another note, we will soon celebrate two wonderful months of marriage. as i sit here on the couch with j next to me and tootsie in between us, i understand contentment more than i ever have in my life. at the end of the day, i can’t wait to come home. to our home. to my family. to my wife. who knew four letters could sound so great.

i will close with a quote by c.s. lewis. some may think this trite. some may think of lewis as being too oft quoted. some may think me simple for loving lewis so much. and that’s ok. i do love lewis. i find him wise and inspiring and beautiful. if that means i’m trite or simple, then so be it. my dad, the greatest man i have ever known, loves c.s. lewis and i can find no better reason to love him as well.

“It remains certainly true that all natural loves can be inordinate. Inordinate does not mean ‘insufficiently cautious.’ Nor does it mean ‘too big.’ It is not a quantitative term. It is probably impossible to love any human being simply ‘too much.’ We may love him too much in proportion to our love for G-d; but it is the smallness of our love for G-d, not the greatness of our love for the man, that constitutes the inordinancy.”

shalom.

The legal definition (in Israel and according to strict Halachah) is, “someone who either is a child of a Jewish mother or is a convert to Judaism who, after a period of serious and verified study of the Principles of the Faith and the Laws of Judaism, has done the following:

1. Accepted upon Himself or Herself the “Yoke of the Kingdom of Heaven and the Yoke of G-d’s Commandments”
2. Immersed Him or Herself in a Ritual Pool of Water known as a “Mikveh,” symbolizing Rebirth
3. If a male, has undergone the Process of “Brit Milah,” Circumcision.”

The Messianic Jewish Rabbinical Council says, “Following the consensus of Jewish tradition, we recognize as a Jew anyone who is born of a Jewish mother or who is a convert to Judaism. We also accept the Reform decision, which acknowledges patrilineal [children born of Jewish fathers] descent under certain conditions. In our definition, the necessary and sufficient condition consists of that individual identifying as a Jew.”

what does all this mean and why am i writing about it? firstly, it is important to note that the legal definition is fairly strict: you must either be born of a jewish mother or go through the conversion process outlined above. this isn’t as simple as someone knowing that their dad has some irish blood in him therefore making that child irish. this is specific. this is, after all, G-d’s chosen people.

the Messianic Jewish Rabbinical Council’s stance is more open and accepting. they recognize both those born of a jewish mother and/or born of a jewish father (like my wife), and/or those who identify as being jewish.

i write about this because i love jews. i don’t just find them interesting. i don’t just want to know ever more about their history. i don’t just think it’s cute that they wear those little hats (although honestly, have you seen a cuter hat?). i have a deep and abiding love for this people of G-d. i don’t know when it happened (although i know i was young), and i don’t know fully why (yet), but i know that this love has been placed there by G-d. i know that G-d saw fit to have me marry a jew. i am currently in the process of trying to figure out how i will combine my love for the jewish people and my plans for my career.

basically i am in love with jews and with a jew. my children will be jewish, even if i’m not. they will be brought up knowing about their heritage. they will know what G-d has done for their people… their people whose history stretches back millenia. when they’re born, i will pray Numbers 6:24-26 over them. when they go to bed, i’ll read them Deuteronomy 4:32-40. they will know the sh’ma.

they will celebrate shabbat and pesach. they will be jewish. and i pray they will also come to recognize that their Messiah has already come. i can’t wait to meet my future jews.

i considered converting to judaism myself, but haven’t come to a decision about it yet. as my friend steven so adequately put it, “you take on the burden of your people and they become your people. take on the burden of halachah.”

and he’s a jew, so he knows.

shalom.